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Monday, January 4, 2010

Day 4: Reflection

Day 4
Moon above water.
Sit in Solitude.
-Deng Ming-Dao

Stillness in a world so kinetic is difficult.

You must find a place where it is safe to be reflective - music, reading, nature, meditation, etc. This will calm the waters of your mind and allow the moon of yourself to be reflected in the what is placid. If this is not done on a regular basis, then there will be static electricity and the knowledge that you hold within that comes through inspiration (or Tao) will be blocked. You can't try to find this point of reflection. It is in the process of letting go of finding anything that allows it comes into your life the way it is meant to manifest -  the moment is found - no in a preconceived notion.

For me it is easy in nature to find this place, or during moments of practicing yoga postures. Mostly in the woods - trees and brooks, rivers and sky. Today on our walk the river was frozen, yet even in that stillness there were areas where the river flowed as if nothing had changed. So, even in our stillness there is movement. In the clear blue sky overhead I saw a Red Tailed Hawk fly. I heard him before I saw him. You know when you've heard something grand in the silence, different from the wind and small birds chirping about. You feel the energy! You look up and there it is, soaring above your head and you stand still in that moment and in complete awe. That is a refelctive moment. That is the reflection of the moon on calm water - you've forgotten yourself. Nothing else matters at that time except watching it fly as long as your eyes can see it, a tremendous bird of prey that makes you feel small. I've seen Eagles out there, too. Both send a chill through me. I hear their calls over the trees, echoing around me.I wish that this sense of stillness and reflection that I have in the woods during my walks followed me into my home and life. It is not always so.

The self-deception is that I'mm this calm seeker wandering around in the woods. The truth is that I must admit to taking Xanex 2-3 times per day so that I don't errupt when I'm home. It is very true. It is the responsibility of things here with dogs, cats, husband, cleaning that which becomes gets overwelming to me sometimes. It is like chopping wood. If you want to stay warm you can't stop chopping wood, but it's not always the thing that brings you enlightenment. There is a saying, "Before enlightenment, chop wood & carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood & carry water." But, there are days when I am happy to do household life things, simple and necessary.

Actually, the frustration and anxiety began about a year after my mother died. Since then, I've been on edge many times with a feeling of such utter frustration that I could "pop". The only place that I don't feel this is when I'm in nature, or if all of my chores are done in the house and I sit to read or write. Both bring a similar sense of calm reflection. This will eventually bring self-discovery and evolution to a point of not needing Xanex to find the moon reflected in calm water, even at home.

So, I am reflective all the time, it is not always as calm as I would like and I cannot always see the moon in the water. As an evolving existentialist, it can be said that I find it easier to accept things that occur if I believe it is toward a reasoning, a fate of sorts. How does Taoism fit into that way of thinking? Taoism is about accepting things as they are and not wishing to change them, but embracing them in the reality of what they truely are vs. what you wish they were instead or letting your imagination create that which is not true. When I'm irritateded at home it's because I don't want to be responsible for anything, but I am. This is different than walking in the woods because there I feel free.

"Let go of that which binds you and does not fill your soul!
Find spendor and freedom in your life  -
that which brings you timelessness and freedom. 
Even if it only last for one moment.
It is better to have one instance of reflective clarity,
to see the moon in the water for one second,
than to never to glance upon the true nature you were born with."

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