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Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Day 48: Knowledge

Day 48
Life is
Beauty,
Terror,
Knowledge.
-Deng Ming-Dao

He goes on to write, "Only knowledge removes this fear. If we we shown he whole truth, we could not stand it. Both lovely and horrible details make us human, and when knowledge threatens to show us our follies, we may realize that we are not yet ready to leave them behind. Then the veil closes again, and we sit meditating before it, trying to prepare ourselves for the moment when we dare to part the curtain completely."

Seeking knowledge is a great pastime, for certain. Experience has a place in this knowledge. The issue being that when we place experience and knowledge together they create an equation. This "knowledge" plus this "experience" equals this "outcome" (K+E=O). Once that equation is established it is very difficult to undo, whether is a "good" or "bad" outcome of two independent factors means nothing, they can still be connected psychologically and emotionally to an aspect of your life that become fear-based. To someone else this fear will make no sense; but to you, it is as clear a condition as ever was one. How do you break the equation? How do you part the curtain? Truth is the only answer.

That truth doesn't come from a guru, lama, master or any other word for a teacher. It doesn't come from a practice,whether it be yoga, tai chi, chi gong, meditation, vision quest or any other human devised concoction of action or inaction. The aformentioned are just egos and rules, they are suppose to be conduits for the truth you already hold inside of you, but the key is not to let them define you in the process of finding your truth. Otherwise, you'll never find it because you'll get entangled in a snare of human conditioning that won't seem like conditioning because it's new and different from the conditioning you're trying to rid yourself of from the life you've lead in a society, culture and religion. The only way to knowledge is to release yourself from the straight jacket of "Thou Shalt".

I have fears that make no sense, but still they are there walking with me everyday. Some days I feel them inside of me, other days they are barely noticeable. I've discovered a new fear that I've never had before. It involves leaving home for an extented period of time and my life falling apart or something happening that I can't stop and it causes me pain.

When I was away for a month in Nepal and Tibet one of our dogs died and I was in great sadness that I was not home to help my husband or the dog go through this process. By the time I got home the other dog was dying. The third dog was just confused that I wasn't here and the other dogs were dead or dying. My husband was in shock, I think. Plus, I had to give up my livelihood of the past 17 years do to an injury that seemed better while I was away, but came back full force once I started to work again.

Now I'm afraid to leave home or on a vacation for a period of time for fear that something bad will happen to my life and the things that I love. Part of the reason I had to leave H&R Block was not just because the company sucked, but because I had this underlying fear that if I continued to work that I wouldn't be available for my dogs or my husband if something should happen or that I'd feel guilty for working - time that could not be regained and will have lost that time with them. I know it sounds crazy, but it is a very true fear that has found its way into my psyche and did not realize it until I began working. My knowlege and experience have created an outcome based on one incident. How do I let it go? I need different knowedge, expereince and outcome to counter the initial belief. I've got to go away and come back to find all is well.

However, what I think is an important lesson is that I've realized that I must be alert and awake, for each moment in lfie is precious. We were never meant to be contained in the four walls of an office building, despite that is where many humans find themselves several hours out of a day - it's just crazy. You cannot regain a loss that is so valuable as time in the places, people and things which nurture your soul. I don't want to construct or direct it. I do want to live it, even in the most boring of moments and regard them as a gift, especially the quiet moments with my husband and dogs, lunch with friends, walks in woods. I understand why my mother wanted more time with me, for she knew that the moments we spent together were finite, (even before became ill). I, on the other hand, had not realized just how finite moments which are weaved together by a fine twine do end in the most abrupt ways, suddenly ending, cut by fate - there is nothing to be done but to recall what we should or should not have done in our restropection of the days which have been spent or savored.

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